The six secrets of love

Anyone who loves remains an independent person. The We do not replace the ego. Some have their difficulties, but many couples manage to become one and remain independent. Because they dissolve the six fields of love together. "Every couple can learn that," says our expert Jörg Berger. The great thing: if one person starts, he encourages the other.

Sensitive talking and arguing

"At the very beginning of a relationship, when two lives are to become one whole, communication is very important," says psychologist Jörg Berger. "But no couple has much to talk about, as many guidebooks say. Anyone who has practiced it will receive such advice. If you have another being, you unnecessarily put it under pressure. Many couples do not need so many words. "Basically, couple researchers in conflict talks have discovered four patterns of behavior that - if they occur - lead to 90 percent separation: unobjective criticism (" Never think of me "), contempt (" No wonder that nobody gets along with you "), justification (" I have to control you if you are so careless ") and walls (keep silent, look away).

The US psychologist John Gottman calls her "apocalyptic rider". "If you see a gallop through your relationship, you should act," advises Berger. The goal is to unite the seemingly contradictory abilities of understanding and contradicting. The key is empathy: happy couples express feelings, desires and needs directly. Both partners often repeat in their words what the other has said, ask open questions, show understanding, appreciation and take responsibility ("I should have done that"). In the dispute, they use first-person messages ("I feel ignored"), claim their rights ("I want to be able to discuss important issues with you"), and show consequences that are good for the relationship ("For the sake of you, I will not make others into a perfect world - play").

Jörg Berger's tip: "For one hour, try to be the perfect listener for your partner, the ideal female or male disciple: keep eye contact, ask questions, encourage."

Show and control feeling

A sustainable relationship is based on a balance of emotions, "explains Jörg Berger. This means that both partners allow feelings, show them openly and put them back in critical moments. It's easy for couples in love. But then love has to prove itself in everyday life, it comes to first injuries and disappointments. Showing and controlling such negative emotions is not so easy anymore. "There can be compulsions," says Berger. Partners exert pressure on each other to bring the other to what he does not (voluntarily) do. Allegations, targeted injuries, punishments and threats put a strain on love. At worst.

Happy couples manage to give each other an advance of trust and to end the constraints. Especially in the case of negative feelings, they usually manage to deliberately step back in order to take the lead, for example with so-called lightning thoughts ("That's blackmail!") Or when emotional memories from childhood are reported. Too strong emotions appease them with distraction or a break, or the unaffected partner offers the churned a safe frame ("you're just not well, or 'tell me, I'll cope with it already"). "From many small emotional experiences weaves a solid bond," says Jörg Berger together.

Tip from Jörg Berger: "Ask your partner to show a feeling he has hitherto hidden."

Become one and keep your freedom

The first relationship we build is to our mother. Psychologists speak of attachment. "The patterns of attachment that manifest in childhood remain unchanged and ultimately affect the relationship," says Berger. For example, a man falls in love with a caring woman - and finds her unbearably mothering after some time. "Disastrous Attraction" is what US psychologist Diane Felmlee calls it. But this too can become a secure bond. "In good relationships can ripen a lot," Berger encourages. The key: "One partner shows the other when he needs care and for what kind of attention he is accessible." However, also third parties (for example, the in-laws) can interfere with the bond. The more conscious couples shape this process of separation ("we build something on our own"), the more their relationship benefits, and the more natural both partners can for sure leave the bond, for example for a hobby, a voluntary commitment or not common friends.

Jörg Berger's tip: "Respond to your partner's attachment signals for 15 to 30 minutes. Give him credit if he joins He speaks of his work or expresses a thought that he finds interesting, or closeness and time for him when he needs it. "

Be obstinate for others

No couple l (i) live on a lonely island. Each is involved in a social, cultural and social environment. "If a couple focuses on their own happiness, it alienates them from their environment," explains Jörg Berger. This is also a source of stress because it puts love under pressure to adapt ("When are you finally going to have a baby?"). Studies show that 40 percent of couples' satisfaction depends on how partners jointly master this burden. The more open couples show each other that they are stressed out, the more they support each other and seek together for solutions or demarcation possibilities, the more sustainable their relationship becomes.

But: The environment can also be a source of power for every couple. Whether in the neighborhood, in the club, in the parish or in a party, here it has the chance to do good together. "To lead a life of your own and to enter into an enriching exchange with one's own environment can be an exciting journey of discovery for a couple," Berger encourages. Positive side effect: The shared life gets for the couple a deeper meaning, because the partners experience that they can shape something together and this effort is worthwhile. "That gives a couple the moral strength it needs to cope with difficult situations," says Berger.

Tip from Jörg Berger: "Think about what you can do well as a couple, and then, if and how you want to use this gift for the benefit of others. Organizational talents could e.g. Help acquaintances who become self-employed, join good speakers in a citizens' initiative. "

Everyone gives as much as they can

When social psychologists talk about love, there is little romantic about it. Couples, is their theory, exchange "resources": information, goods, money, services and just love. Both partners want to score as well as possible and value a fair exchange. Sounds like a business administration lecture. However, studies show that couples who experience the give and take as balanced in their relationship are happier, feel less anger, have more fulfilling sex, and less often split up.

But what can couples give and take? US marriage counselor Gary Chapman names five things: praise, togetherness (time just for you), gifts, helpfulness, and tenderness. However, lovers do not always speak the same language when giving. Therefore, happy couples pay attention to what behavior is good for the other and often show it. In addition, they clearly tell each other what they need in everyday life to feel comfortable.

Expressing wishes is also the first step of taking (because the partner can not read minds). The given to receive the second. "That would not have been necessary" is the motto of people who can not receive well, "says Jörg Berger. "Good reception is not too picky. It also accepts a horse trade and appreciates what the partner has laboriously wrested from it. "Even if that's not what we expected, every give deserves appreciation, the third step in taking. This includes explaining your needs to the partner in more detail, so that he can meet them better soon. This does not diminish his commitment, but shows him that he is needed.

"In the case of drastic life events, such as when children are added or one of the partners is ill for a long time, a couple has to find new answers here," explains Berger. "Unbalanced giving and taking can be a threat to love." Couples who succeed in accepting the (temporary) imbalance and seeking help from the environment can successfully avert it.

Tip from Jörg Berger: "Surprise your partner for a week every day with a little joy: flowers, compliments, small gifts, a massage, a trip. That sets the other way free. "